Okay, don't tell my neighbors or my apartment complex ladies, but yesterday I totally set my oven on fire. haha! :) I had spilled something in the bottom, and wouldn't you know it, it actually caught fire! I was on the phone in a deep discussion with the Mighty Man at the time, and all of a sudden I just said, "Um, babe, I gotta go. My oven is on fire. haha!" It was casual because it was surprising. But that was a funny moment. I just opened the oven door and let the air kill the flame (it was small). But that was definitely a first for me!
Don't let that fool you, though. I'm still a killer baker. And I'm learning about the cooking thing, too. I'll get there. :)
So, these past couple of weeks have been very enlightening for me. I'm learning so much about who God created me to be, and I had the most wonderful self discovery the other day. I'm so tired of trying to be a boy. :) I want to be a girl!! :) :) And that's okay! :)
Here's the story because that sounds funny.
Growing up, my dad didn't really know how to handle girls, so he involved me and my sister in his interests as a way of showing love. He taught us all about deer hunting and football. (I can throw a wicked spiral...just sayin.) But that really had an effect on me. I know he didn't intend it do, but I grew up believing that Jill the little girl wasn't worth approval. Jill the little girl who loved My Little Ponies and Barbies and games of Candy Land--she wasn't going to be accepted. I would have to pursue other avenues against my nature if I wanted to be approved.
Thus, I became a jock. I played sports to please my dad. I got involved in athletics in college to please my dad. (And, by this time, all men.) And I took a job in the sports field to please my dad. I'm living, as a 31-year-old woman to please my dad, who probably didn't care one way or the other, but who couldn't express that to me.
Wow. Okay...Can anyone relate here?
This is getting deep for a blog, but I want to share it because I think it's something that a lot of people struggle with. My dad was an amazing man. I respect few people more than I respect him. He was a brave man who served in Vietnam, and he came home and worked so hard every day of his life in order to provide for his family. The only trouble was that he never expressed or validated emotions. Thus, I kind of made up my own assumptions about what he wanted from me. And I also learned that emotions weren't really okay to have. They needed to be tucked away and stuffed down with distracting sources.
Now, I KNOW I'm not alone there. Especially with the emotional part. That's why addictions are so rampant! We don't want to feel the things we're experienceing--the pain, the anger, the fear--so we distract ourselves with a thousand different things to take our minds off what we're really experiencing. But that's SO not healthy.
Emotions are so natural. We all have them! And we need to learn how to experience them and allow them to be sources of wisdom. It's okay to feel angry. What does it tell you about the situation you're in? It's okay to be afraid. What does it tell you about the situation you're in? Is your fear even necessary, or is it irrational? Only by feeling it can you examine what's going on and how to handle it.
Interesting, huh?
Anyway, I think I blogged about something totally different than I'd intended to. But let's just go with it. Let's finish up by talking about distractions. I've blogged about keeping busy before and getting absorbed and consumed by to-do lists. I think for me that's been one way that I try to deal with difficult emotions. I do things. What about you? Are there emotions that you don't allow yourself to experience and try to stuff away? Here's my challenge to all of us. Let's start pausing when we feel an emotion going on inside of us and ask ourselves what's going on. Why do we feel that way. Then, let's take it to the Lord! He's the One who gave us emotions to begin with, and He is the One who will administer peace and truth to us in the midst of them. Especially if we are willing to open His Word. We'll find that He's in control, working for our good and madly in love with us. Thank You, Jesus!
So, if you'll agree to do that, I'll agree to start being more girlie. (Is that girly or girlie?) I'll embrace that inner Paula-Deen-lovin-coffee-drinkin-Better-Homes-and-Gardens-reading-fru-fru lady that I wanna be without guilt or remorse! I will feel unashamed when I get bored of ESPN and turn it to HGTV. (No, I probably won't abandon SportsCenter altogether, but I won't feel bad for changing the channel if I want to.)
Be free, friends! Be you! Be who God created you to be! :) He didn't mess up. He loves you and made you for a purpose! :) Live it up!
-Jill
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