Sunday, April 11, 2010

Day 101...

Hello, fabulous Sunday. Thank you for being on time, as you are every week. :) Off day!! :) My quads are actually a little sore from yesterday, which is weird because I'm never sore. But maybe the wind and the pace just took a toll on them. Either way, it feels good to chill this morning. :) Good coffee, good oatmeal, GREAT quiet time with the Lord this morning.

So, I've mentioned that my small group is doing the Max Lucado study "Fearless." Wow. I gotta tell you, if you battle fear at ALL, you should read this book. It's amazing. I had a breakdown/breakthrough this week. I hadn't been ready to share it on the blog yet, but I will today. Let me take one more bite of oatmeal first.


I remember having a conversation with Janice about running a while back and telling her that on some level I couldn't help but feel like I was fighting God in this training. I knew that He was the one carrying me through, but there were points where I felt like I was fighting Him to keep going. It was the weirdest tension. And I had no idea how to explain it. But, after reading this week's study, I get it now.

If you've read my story, you know that last year was supposed to be the year I ran Boston. I qualified in 2008, and was going to run with the rest of my friends in 2009. BUT, two weeks before we started training, I got IT Band Syndrome. I worked and worked and cross-trained and rehabbed and did everything I could, but I never got better. (It took me 8 months to run again.) I missed Boston and lost out on a dream.

Through losing out on the marathon last year, I realized how much of an idol it had been in my life. The Lord gave me great perspective on running and on the Boston Marathon. Coming into this training, it was in proper position in my life and, therefore, we've been able to make it about the Lord's purpose and His desire to heal our troops.

Let's dig a little deeper, though. Gut-level honesty: Boston is STILL a dream of mine. It's the Boston Marathon! I still really want to run it! Not to say pridefully that I've run it anymore, but because of what it is. I really want to experience it. While this isn't about me and there's so much more to it, there is still an internal, personal desire to run this marathon because I really want to do it.

Now for the point: Because God allowed it to be taken away last year, I realized this week that I've felt, at times, that I have to protect it from Him. I have feared that He will take it away again. As much as I know I would survive, it was a horribly painful and emotional experience last year when it happened, and I don't want to go through it again. So, when this training has been in jeopardy with injuries, I suddenly fear that God is going to take it away again and I get super anxious. Not because I don't trust Him, but because I fear that His greater glory will AGAIN be through a dashed dream. So, I get into this weird mode of fighting God and running from Him because I'm afraid of His will...YET, all the while TRYING to run toward Him because I know that He's the only One who can deliver me and carry me through.

That's hard to explain. Does it make sense? I'm terrified to trust Him because I am scared He'll take it, but I desperately want to run to Him because He's who I need.

(Welcome to my world. haha!)

Anyway, that's what I learned this week. I wound up bawling on the phone with my PPB on Thursday night and talking it out. And here's the thing. At the end of the day, I am fearfully and wonderfully made by God. Ephesians 2:10 is the bottom line: "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

God LOVES me! He loves us all!! Boston Marathon or not, He LOVES me! His ways are higher. His plans are better. Any God who would go to a cross to die for me is worthy of my unquestioning trust. While that is SO hard, it is the truth. He is GOOD. He is FAITHFUL. He is LOVING. Does He always make sense to us? No. But does He have to? No. Any God who loves us that much...I don't know about you, but I think He's worthy of just trusting wholeheartedly.

I admit that I still fear His plan to a certain degree. I do. But I'm praying through it, and He is releasing me from it. I'm memorizing Scripture so that when those fears surface, I can think TRUTH instead. Ephesians 2:10 is posted on my mirror now, along with Psalm 139:13-14: "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

There you have it. A little glimpse into Jill's psyche. :) But I pray that we all would understand our fears and how unwarranted they are in light of our FAITHFUL Creator and Father.

Prayer Requests:
-For courage and peace for me.
-For healing on my right foot and hamstring.
-For protection over the left knee and blisters.
-For additional funds to be raised in the last week so that we can supply our troops with God's Truth! (If anyone has to wrestle with fear, it has GOT to be them.)
-For Military Ministry and their outreach.
-For the 6-miler tomorrow morning. :) Can't wait! :)

Thanks team. Y'all rock!

P.S. I'm e-mailing out the prayer miles today. If you signed up for one, THANK YOU!! :) If you still want to pray over a mile, let me know! It's never too late to call on the Lord, that's for sure! :)

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